Throughout the novel, Holden struggles to find meaning and purpose in his life. Holden's ambivalence about growing up is an extension of his struggle to find his way in what he believes to be a cruel and heartless world run by corrupt adults. From beginning to end, Holden behaves in a self-righteous manner due to his internal struggle as he tries to find his identity and his external struggle with the society he lives in. There are numerous examples of Holden's actions that contradict his beliefs as he attempts to find identity. and meaning in its progression to adulthood. In the first chapter, Holden acknowledges that he behaves childishly: “Sometimes I still act like I'm only twelve. Everyone says it, especially my father. This is also partly true, but not all of it is true." (Salinger, 5) At the time the story is set Holden is seventeen, too old to act like a twelve year old. He takes offense at being labeled immature, but later romanticizes the innocence and immaturity of childhood. Throughout the book Holden criticizes people, especially adults, as “phony,” yet he begins the third chapter by admitting, “I'm the most terrible liar you've ever seen in your life. It's terrible. If I'm going to the store to buy a magazine and someone asks me where I'm going, I tend to say I'm going to the opera. (Salinger, 9) Throughout the book he lies for no apparent reason like he does to Ernie Morrow's mother. Holden breaks his own moral code and joins the league of “fakes” by thinking one thing and saying another just like they do. Furthermore, while Holden fantasizes in his mind that he is the guardian of a utopia populated by innocent children, he smokes cigarettes and consumes excessive amounts of paper, eating away at adulthood and childhood. He feels pushed to the limit by the pressures that society imposes on him, but he reacts in a naive attempt to remain in the blissful rye fields of childhood. However, when he reaches out in an attempt to protect what he perceives to be the innocence of childhood, he loses his balance and himself falls into the “abyss” of adulthood. His fall from the cliff also coincides with his descent into madness as he gradually loses his mind and strength as he struggles against the inevitable. In the final chapters, Holden feels "so damn happy" (Salinger, 114) when he chooses not to ride the carousel with Phoebe and comments that he "thinks she'll apply herself [to school]" (Salinger, 115) in response to the psychiatrist. At this point he is finally at peace with his fate and accepts, perhaps reluctantly, his fall into adulthood.